Visiting Purrcolator Cafe is a pleasure, but it comes with certain customs. We have therefore prepared a list of seven rules for first time visitors. Please read them before you sit down, and keep them in mind while the cat is looking at you.
Rule one: do not reach
A cat is not an exhibit. She is a person, in a coat, and she will decide whether to be touched. If she wants you to pet her, she will tell you, by putting her head against your hand. If she does not, she will tell you, by moving.
Rule two: do not stare for too long
A long stare is a challenge. A short stare is a greeting. A blink is a gift. We recommend a slow blink, delivered from a few feet away, with the face of someone who has nothing to hide.
Rule three: do not leave food unattended
We say this with love. The pastry will be investigated. The cream will be tested. The cake, if you turn around, will be a memory. We have seen grown men weep.
Rule four: do not ask for a specific cat
Our cats are not on a rota. You may not book Madame Whiskerton, and you may not request Espresso Paws. They will find you.
Rule five: do not move the cushions
The cushions are positioned according to a plan that is very old, and which we do not discuss. If a cushion is moved, it will be moved back, with a look.
Rule six: do not bring a dog
Dogs are welcome in the car park. In the cafe itself, they are treated as weather.
Rule seven: do not rush
You are not here to be quick. You are here to sit, to breathe, to drink something warm, and to be quietly ignored by a cat. If you find yourself checking your phone, put it down. If you find yourself checking it again, put it under the cat.
Bonus rule
Say thank you. The cats do not expect it, but the staff do, and the staff are the ones holding the door.
In summary
Treat the cafe as you would a friend’s home, if the friend were a very large cat who owns the building. Be gentle, be patient, and bring a cardigan with a spare corner. You may need to offer it.