We receive many letters at Purrcolator Cafe, mostly on the backs of receipts. We have chosen three to answer this month.
Letter one
Dear Purrcolator, I waited eleven minutes for my flat white. When it arrived, the barista said nothing, and a large cat looked at me for the entire time. Is this normal?
Dear Reader, yes. The stare is part of the service. We call it the Welcome. It is designed to let you know that you have been seen and that you have been judged and that you have been allowed to stay.
Letter two
Dear Purrcolator, I left a tip in your jar and the cat sat on it. Do I get it back?
Dear Reader, no. The tip has been absorbed into the cat’s seat, which is, in a legal sense, the jar. You may consider it a contribution to the cat’s comfort, which is, in a larger sense, your own.
Letter three
Dear Purrcolator, I asked for a table by the window. The only free table was occupied by a cat. I was offered a stool. Why?
Dear Reader, the table was occupied. This is a rare thing to hear a cafe admit. In most places, the table would be empty, and you would be asked to move. Here, the table is held by a being of greater seniority. We have found it best to respect the order of things.
General advice
Our customer care desk recommends the following to all patrons:
- Do not rush the barista. He is operating at the speed of the milk.
- Do not tap the glass of the pastry cabinet. The pastry is aware of you.
- Do not wear black if you are allergic to hair, or if you are not allergic to hair but are particular.
- Do not make eye contact with Madame Whiskerton before 10 AM.
A final note
We value your feedback and have placed a suggestion box beside the till. The box is currently occupied.
Thank you for writing. We will respond in due course, or we will not. We are a cafe, and our time belongs to the sun.