Our Morning Rush Hour Subscription remains our most successful product and our most complained about. For those thinking of signing up, here is how it works in practice.
The promise
In return for a monthly fee, one of our cats will wake you at 4:30 AM with a gentle sound. The sound is described in the brochure as “a soft chirp”. It is not a soft chirp. It is a scream. The brochure is out of date.
Phase one: the chirp
At 4:29 AM, the cat will assume position on the bed. She will observe your face for thirty seconds, noting your breathing, your eyelids, and the angle of your jaw. She is not malicious. She is calculating.
Phase two: the paw
At 4:30 AM, a single paw will be placed on your cheek. The paw is cold. The claw is sheathed. This is the Gentle Reminder, and it is available in three strengths: light, medium and what we call the Accusation.
Phase three: the walk
If you do not respond, the cat will walk across your body, in stages, ending at your head. She will sit on your pillow, and she will begin to purr. Her purr is warm, deep and utterly unreasonable. It is the sound of someone who has been awake for a hundred years and would like you to know it.
What you receive
Subscribers receive:
- A wake up call, to the minute.
- A short walk to the kitchen, escorted.
- A bowl, which you will fill.
- A look, which you will keep.
What you do not receive
Subscribers do not receive sleep. We are not able to offer sleep as part of the package, although it may be sold separately at a later date.
Cancellation
You can cancel the subscription at any time, by informing the cat. The cat will consider your request, and reply by waking you up at 4:30 AM the next day, to ask whether you are sure.
Testimonials
“I have never been so awake.” A customer, name withheld.
“I would like to sleep.” The same customer, one month later.
Final thought
We believe the dawn is a gift. We also believe it is a gift you should receive in person, at close range, from a cat with no sense of time.